Soul Gazing

October 22, 2018

What would people who know me only casually say at my funeral? That was the question posed early on at our men’s Bible study this evening. The guys probably thought I was being moody, but I couldn’t get that question out of my mind. To be honest, I don’t know. Unlike some pastors I know, I don’t make friends easily, and don’t wade into crowds of people with a smile and a story. Casual acquaintances would probably think I’m stand-offish or snooty. Those who have taken issue with me over ministry matters might have some harsh things to say. Hopefully, those who know me well would speak kindly of me.

The second question was a similar thought-provoker: “What would I want people to say about me?” As I’ve pondered these questions, the answer to this second is, “It doesn’t matter.” What matters is what Christ will say. He’s the one who sees into my heart and knows me better than I know myself. The real question is, “Am I allowing the One who knows me best question and challenge me to be better than I am?” 

He challenged me tonight. I can have at times a pretty critical spirit. I may not always say what I’m thinking, but it can be there. Talking with my friend Harry tonight, I told him of a situation where that critical spirit reared its ugly head, and I asked him to pray for me. He did, and he will. That’s the kind of friend he is; the kind of friend I need. He is a reflection of Jesus Christ in his generous and compassionate heart. He didn’t criticize, chastise, or condemn. He simply offered to pray. Luke tells us that when Peter denied our Lord, Jesus looked at him, causing him to break down in tears. I don’t think it was a look of condemnation, but rather of compassion that cut Peter to the core. I am thankful tonight for that all-seeing gaze of Christ in Scripture that burns like fire in my soul, and for those who minister his grace in prayer. I needed it tonight, and was not disappointed.