She Sleeps

 October 2, 2020

Just four weeks ago, she did laps around the room to raise money for the Options Care Center, carefully measuring each step as she shuffled behind her walker. She was just shy of her 98th birthday, which has since come and gone. Tonight, she sleeps...as she has for most of the day. She’s worn out; her breathing is labored, punctuated by coughing spells brought on by her congestive heart failure. 

We talked for a few minutes as I helped adjust the blankets around her feet. When I looked up, she was weeping. “I can’t do anything,” she sobbed. 

“That’s why our salvation is by grace,” I responded. “It’s hard to simply receive and not have anything we can do.” While true, my words sounded hollow to me. I like to be active; I have more projects going on than I have time for, but wouldn’t have it any other way. God gave us one day out of seven to rest, because he knows our penchant for ceaseless work; we can’t imagine how life will get along if we aren’t pushing. Our workaholism is evidence of our unwillingness to trust God. 

On the other hand, God gave us six days in which to work, and when we are unable or unwilling to do so, we refuse the purpose and plan God himself gave us to care for this world and all within it. Life is a balance between work and rest; we easily veer to one side or the other. But there are those for whom the choice has been denied—the infirm, the very young, the aged. And for those used to a life of labor, the inactivity can be devastating. As mom and I were discussing computers yesterday, we recalled her secretarial days, hammering away at a manual typewriter. As we talked, she closed her eyes as her fingers traced the alphabet on an imaginary keyboard. For a moment, the years melted away, but they returned with a vengeance today, tethering her to her bed and her dreams. 

So most of the day has been quiet as I’ve sat and watched her sleep. Some might think I’ve wasted the day, but I don’t see it that way. I’m investing in whatever small way I can in this woman who invested so much of herself in me so many years ago. It’s payback time, and I do it gladly tonight.