Feeling

 October 17, 2020

“How are you feeling?” I’ve been asked a variation of that question innumerable times as we’re in a holding pattern with my mother. We call my sister-in-law in the morning, and mom seems about to take her last breath. This evening, she’s sitting up and eating as she hasn’t eaten in weeks. It’s my brother and sister-in-law who bear the brunt of mom’s care and feel most acutely the sting of her decline.

Yet the question persists, and most of the time I don’t know the answer to it. Not being a touchy-feely kind of person, it’s hard for me to figure out my emotions, but I have felt somewhat subdued lately. The old cloud that hounded me for so many years threatens, but I know the signs, and am on to the Enemy’s ways. I keep busy. This morning, we served breakfast to the grandkids, one after another as they got up for the day. All the while, I worked on canning the grape juice, finally finishing just about the time the last one left for home. We went to Eliza’s soccer game, and when we got home, I began tearing apart the rear entry to the house in preparation for the laundry room which will replace it. 

As I was finishing up for the day, I looked around me at the beauty of this season in this little corner of the world, and St. Paul’s admonition came to mind: “In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you” (1 Thessalonians 5:18). In spite of COVID, in spite of mom’s imminent (we think!) departure, in spite of the aching in my hands, there is so much for which to give thanks. It is a choice. Even a cursory glance through Facebook, the newspaper, or any other media reveals people who are angry and/or fearful. All they see are the things that displease them; they gripe and complain, accuse and blame, and are never any happier for it. Life in this world will never match our hopes and dreams. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t have them, but that we shouldn’t pin our happiness upon them. 

So how am I doing? I’m doing fine, as long as I keep my focus where it belongs. I can, and do, give thanks, because it is God’s will in Jesus Christ. I fix my gaze upon him, find much for which to give thanks, and experience his peace in the process.