What I Want

September 12, 2019

Only a couple weeks ago, I wrote about Elisha asking Elijah for a double portion of his spirit. Elijah responded, “You have asked a hard thing; yet, if you see me as I am being taken from you, it shall be so for you; but if you do not see me, it shall not be so.” —2 Kings 2:10 RSV-CI. Elisha saw him carried away in a chariot of fire and was granted this “hard thing.” I wondered then how often I’ve shied away from asking hard things of God, trimming my prayers to fit into the minuscule box of what I can imagine happening instead of praying boldly for what would be impossible without God. I wonder what God wanted to give to me, to do through me, but I wasn’t bold enough to ask. 

Bold prayers can be tricky. The line that separates boldness from arrogance is quite fine. Years ago when the church I was pastoring was exploding with growth, I asked God what I might have accomplished had I been in a thriving suburb instead of a backwater village. It wasn’t audible, but I know it was God speaking to my heart. “Jim, I couldn’t do any more with you there than where you are. I’m doing the best I can with what I have to work with.” Did you know God has a sense of humor? Only I wasn’t laughing. 

Since then, my “go-to” Bible text comes from Psalm 131:1. “O Lord, my heart is not lifted up, my eyes are not raised too high; I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me.” God gave me a reality check that evening so many years ago. I’ve never been good at networking, am not a good administrator, am only passable at managing staff—not the stuff that makes for big organizations or ministries. That being said, there is no excuse for thinking small. I have my limitations, but God doesn’t. The problem isn’t ever God; it’s me.

I think it boils down to not knowing what I want more than anything else. Psalm 37:4 says, “Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” It doesn’t say God will give me the desires of his heart, but of mine. The only condition of that prayer is that I delight in God. That means two things: not allowing myself to be distracted by lesser things, and knowing what I want. The former is the stuff of life, the spiritual battle we face every day. The latter is the issue that needs to be settled once for all. If I don’t know what I want, I cannot ask big. Linda asked me at dinner today how I wanted her to pray for me. The question caught me off guard, and I didn’t know how to answer. I’ve thought about it and tonight I know. I need her prayers to learn my own heart; to know what I really want. I am thankful for a wife who prays for me, and for Scripture that challenges me to examine my heart and mind so I can pray boldly.