Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Father-in-lawing

July 18, 2017

It’s common practice these days for couples who are being married in the church to receive premarital counseling prior to their wedding. In my United Methodist denomination, it is required that we pastors offer such counseling to couples, although there are no rubrics as to exactly what that counseling should cover. How much good it does is another matter, but we require it. 

What is not required, but perhaps should be, is premarital in-law counseling. I’ve never read any articles or books on the subject, even though it can hardly be denied that such instruction could possibly minimize a great deal of the conflict that married couples experience early on in their life together. No one ever gave me the slightest scrap of advice on how to be a good father-in-law. I had to muddle my way through it as best I could, learning through what could best be described as trial and error, on the job training. 

I am a father-in-law three times over, with two daughters-in-law and one son-in-law. Let me tell you, there is a world of difference in being a father-in-law to a woman than to a man. I won’t go into all the details here, but trust me…it is different. Not bad; just different. I cannot speak for other fathers-in-law, because we are as varied as human personalities can be, and those with whom we are in that relationship are themselves uniquely different, so that making generalizations about the matter is really quite a foolish exercise in futility. 

No matter how many times over one becomes a father-in-law, and therefore, more experienced with it, someone has to go first, bearing the brunt of the learning curve, which can throw both sides a few curves along the way. That first one becomes the guinea pig for all the others, to whom they ought to give due respect and honor. That first younger in-law bears scars that are a sort of rite of passage that enables the others to follow more easily.


Today is the birthday of our first younger generation in-law, Debbra. I cut my father-in-law teeth on her; if you were to look closely, you could probably see traces of my dental records somewhere on her soul. Thank you, Deb, for paving the way; I am honored to be your father-in-law, and hope being the first daughter-in-law hasn’t been too traumatic. Happy birthday!

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