Fire Within

 December 16, 2022

“You deceived me, Lord, and I was deceived; 

you overpowered me and prevailed. 

I am ridiculed all day long; everyone mocks me. 

Whenever I speak, I cry out proclaiming violence and destruction. 

So the word of the Lord has brought me insult and reproach all day long. 

But if I say, “I will not mention his word or speak anymore in his name,” 

his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. 

I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot.”

—Jeremiah 20:7-9

I think any preacher worth his salt can identify with these words of Jeremiah, even if they haven’t experienced the mockery and insult he endured. “I didn’t sign up for this,” crossed my mind more than once in the years of my active ministry. In those years when people were angrily leaving the church, it often felt as if God had done a bait and switch on me. I longed to somehow just get away from it all, but I knew if I gave up and left, I would never come back. So I stayed, partly because I didn’t have the inner strength to start over somewhere else, and partly because I am just plain stubborn. I didn’t know enough to quit.

I understand Jeremiah’s dilemma. If I had said, “I will not mention his word or speak anymore in his name,” his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot.” 

Even in retirement, that fire still burns inside me. The thought of whiling away the rest of my life in a mindless hobby or going on endless senior bus tours is almost nauseating to me. The fire just won’t go out. I appreciate the lack of stress that not having to preach weekly gives me, but I am also eagerly studying Spanish to improve my effectiveness in Cuba, and am grateful for the lesson planning for our men’s Bible study, and for the occasional opportunity to open God’s Word for his people. 

Yesterday I got a call from the pastor of the Dunkirk church where I served three years in retirement. She sounded terrible, obviously sick and unable to lead worship. It was a bit late in the week for preparation; I like getting at it early. But digging into the Word for sermon preparation can be energizing, and I am eager to present what God has given me. The embers have been fanned into flame, and I cannot hold it in.