Boundaries #2

 December 12, 2022

I’m still thinking about boundaries. I’m no child psychologist, but I do pay attention to what I see all around me, and what I’m seeing is the devastating effect a lack of boundaries has on children. It’s a well-established (but lesser known) fact that about 98% of men in prison grew up in fatherless homes. Their mothers often tried desperately to be both father and mother to their sons, but couldn’t provide the needed modeling that would teach them male strength and restraint. Both are needed for a boy to grow up into a responsible adult male. 

We have a culture in which many parents have abdicated their responsibility to make decisions for their children, believing somehow that letting them choose what to wear, what they will eat, where they will be and with whom is stunting their freedom and emotional growth. We end up with children running the household by default, without the boundaries they need. Note that word “need.” Children need boundaries. They provide safety and security in the same way a medieval castle’s walls provided safety and security for those within. 

What modern parents have seen as fences that inhibit their children's’ freedom of expression are in fact, guardrails to protect them from driving off a cliff. By contrast, children who are raised in homes with clear boundaries and consequences for crossing them generally grow up much more secure and ready for life than those without such guidelines. We live in a media-driven world where much of what is seen is designed to promote fear because fearful people are easily controlled. Without youthful boundaries, children tend to grow up fearful because they don’t have the experience to tell them when a particular attitude or action is dangerous. Boundaries mitigate such fear, guarding against the unknown breaking into life in destructive ways.

Again, I’m no psychologist, but Linda and I have raised three pretty well adjusted children. We didn’t have many rules, but made sure the boundaries were clear and the consequences understood. Life was pretty predictable because boundaries made it so. We made sure they knew the boundaries were there because we loved them and wanted to spare them the hurt and damage to themselves and others that they would experience by crossing the lines.

Even today, I am grateful for boundaries. While driving in the fog the other day, I was grateful for the lines in the center and edges of the road. Those boundaries stood out and helped me keep the car in our lane. It would have been much more stressful without them, but their presence let me breathe easier as I drove. Life is much the same. Boundaries enable us to live without menacing fear nipping at our heels.