We Voted

 November 4, 2020

I haven’t watched the news or read the paper today, so even at 5:00 pm, I don’t know how the election turned out, which enables me to tell the following story with a clear conscience.

One day, Jim died unexpectedly, and upon reaching the Pearly Gates, an old man in a plain white robe greeted him. “Welcome, Jim! I’m St. Peter; so glad to see you!” St. Peter took him gently by the arm as they strolled over to where a huge book lay on a golden stand. “That’s the Book of Life,” Peter said. “There’s just one problem.” A look of panic crossed Jim’s face. “No, it’s not that, St Peter assured him. “It’s just that a new, and hopefully a more equitable policy has been put in place.”

“We want to make sure your stay here is to your satisfaction,” St. Peter said, “So, we are offering a trial stay of three days here, followed by three days in “the other place.” So come on in, and take the tour, see the sights.” 

Well, this was news to Jim, but not seeing much alternative, he agreed, and walked on through the gates into heaven. As he had anticipated, it was pretty nice; people sitting on clouds playing harps. He was impressed with the streets of gold, and in one of the mansions, he noticed a small party where people were busily polishing their halos, while others were tuning up for choir practice.

Three days later, St. Peter found Jim checking out the tailor shop, to see about getting fitted for a robe. “Your three days are up, so it’s time to check out the “other place,” Pete announced, leading him across the street to what looked like an elevator. “Don’t trip over that gold curb,” Peter warned. “We don’t want you limping your way into the “other place.” They’ll think we don’t take good care of you here.”

Jim wasn’t sure about stepping into the elevator, but Peter gave him a little shove. “In you go!” he said cheerily. “After three days, you can come back here and let us know which you prefer.” He closed the door, pushed the “Down” button, and whoosh, Jim felt the floor sinking beneath his feet. He couldn’t tell how long the descent took; all he knew was this elevator was like nothing he had ever experienced before. Suddenly, it slowed to a stop. Trembling, Jim put his hands over his eyes as the door opened. 

When he finally dared to look, to his amazement, he was looking out upon a scene of incredible beauty. To his left, a golf course that would put the Augusta National Course to shame. Straight ahead was the clubhouse with swimming pool with hot tub; the most beautiful women he had ever seen were laughing as they sipped martinis, clad in the skimpiest of bikinis.

“Ahem!” Jim looked to his right, where stood a handsome gentleman, impeccably attired in a tuxedo, flashing a smile revealing the whitest teeth he had ever seen. He was tall, dark wavy hair, diamond ring on his finger, holding a tray with a drink on it. “I’m the devil,” the man said, which startled Jim considerably.

“No red suit, horns, tail, or pitchfork?” Jim asked incredulously. 

“Of course not,” the gentleman responded. “That’s the stuff of wild imagination, meant to strike unnecessary fear into the hearts of the gullible. I’m also your tour guide for the next three days. Take a look around. You won’t be disappointed.”

Jim stepped warily out of the elevator. “Is this some kind of joke?” he asked himself. “Of course not!” the devil answered.

“You know my thoughts?” Jim asked.

“I know a lot of things,” the devil answered. “You’d be surprised. Come, now; it’s time you had a little fun!”

Jim spent the next three days, drinking, gambling, cavorting with these delectable young women, playing the best golf he had ever played. All too soon, it was over, and the devil came sauntering up to him. “Time to go now,” he said somewhat sadly. “You have to go upstairs and make your decision. I hope to see you again soon.”

Jim stepped into the elevator, and as quickly as he had arrived downstairs, he found himself back at the Pearly Gates, standing before St. Peter.

“Well, what did you think? Pete asked meekly. “Have you made up your mind? Remember, this was only a trial. Once you choose, it’s for eternity. Choose wisely.” Jim didn’t hesitate.

“I hate to break this to you, St. Peter, but it’s really quite boring around here. No drinking, no golf, no beautiful young women. I think I’d rather spend eternity downstairs.”

“Are you sure?” Pete asked. “Remember, once you’ve chosen, there’s no going back.”

“I’m sure,” Jim responded confidently, whereupon Peter’s countenance changed. A sadness crept over his brow as he walked Jim back to the elevator.

“Sorry to see you go,” he said. “We’ll miss you here.”

“Don’t worry; I’ll be just fine!” Jim countered, then stepped gladly into the elevator. He pushed the “Down” button, and again it felt like the bottom dropped away, until moments later, it slowed to a stop. The door opened. Jim couldn’t believe his eyes. There were flames everywhere. People were crying out in agony.The heat was unbearable. Before him stood the devil in full demonic regalia—red suit, horns, tail, and pitchfork. His maniacal laughter sent shudders down Jim’s spine. “I—I don’t understand; what happened? Where is the golf course? Where are the beautiful young women, the swimming pool, the endless martinis?

The devil looked him over with an evil smile. “You don’t get it, do you? Well, let me tell you: Yesterday we were campaigning. Today, you voted.”