These days, my life is lived on a small scale. I'm not by any means one of this world's movers and shakers, so it never was very large, but since retirement, it's shrunk even more. I'm not sure what to make of it. I've watched as my parents went from traveling up and down the eastern seaboard with RVICS, doing volunteer work at Christian camps, colleges, and retreat centers, to living in a retirement home, no longer driving, and finally just staying home reading, watching TV, and spending time with the family. I say "shrunk," but I'm not sure what that means. Sometimes those who seem to be hugely influential in this life find at the end of it that their influence was more illusory than real. The despot or monarch whose word or glance can spell the difference between life and death for hundreds of thousands finds that power is easier to attain than maintain, and that it has its own price. The weight of power is heavy. A recent photo of our president showed him with greying hair that he didn't have when he first took office. I'm not convinced it's just that he's six years older. No matter what one thinks of how he's handled the job, the weight of responsibility has taken its toll. I wonder if at the end of the day it will seem as important to him. I wonder how he manages to be a father to his girls, how he is able to carve out the time needed to talk to them about love, disappointment, broken hearts, and responsibility.
I am grateful to have avoided those dizzying heights of fame and responsibility. What little I've had has garnered enough criticism and enough headaches for me. It's not that I don't want to make my mark on this world for Christ, but as Abraham Lincoln once remarked, "God must love the little man. He made so many of them." I remember wanting to make an impact on the world. That desire diminished when I realized that to make an impact there must be a collision, and collisions are usually destructive, painful experiences. I'm less intimidated by them than I used to be; on the other hand, I don't have much to prove to anyone these days, and no one I need to impress except my wife. I'm discovering more each day that for which to give thanks, most of which would be unimpressive to anyone else, but which fills me with deepening wonder. I've been spared a life lived under a microscope such as our President experiences every day; instead of living under the microscope, I have the privilege of seeing life through a microscope, looking at small blessings and knowing that they are the building blocks of life.
All this is to say that I'm learning how much bigger life is than I perceive, and how grateful I am for the small part I've been able to play in God's grand scheme of things. I'm part of the Body; maybe only a toenail, but I'm a part of it, and humbled to have been chosen, thankful to be given time to reflect and bow before the Mystery of God himself.
No comments:
Post a Comment