I backslid today. For the record, I'm not sure anyone really uses that word anymore. It was common enough when I was growing up, describing someone who had at one time been on fire for the Lord, but whose flame had flickered and gone out. Being good Baptists, we were confident that they would return to the fold. Eternal Security worked that way. Either that, or they weren't really genuine believers to begin with. "Backslider" was a word combining disappointment, fear, and hope, all wrapped up in those three syllables; disappointment that they had fallen off the wagon, fear lest it happen to you, and hope that they would eventually return.
I don't hear that word too often anymore. Maybe it sounds too judgmental for our tolerance-loving society, or with the demise of the concept of sin, there's no plateau from which one can actually slide backwards. Well, I am a denizen of an older world, one with definite standards and goals to be gained or lost. Today, I lost ground. It was a needless defeat, and it was my own fault. If I'm not careful, I'll lose even more ground, feeling somewhat proud that in an age where no one is willing to take responsibility for much of anything, I'm willing to admit my error. See what a fine fellow I am? See how easily pride can sneak in and muck up even one's confession?
We were busy doing good, Christmas shopping for a couple needy families. Our kids, grandkids, and Linda's sisters met us at Walmart, we divided up the names and money and were off to the races. It's really quite fun being a secret Santa, and in about an hour, we had five or six shopping carts bulging with gifts. At some point in the program however, I dropped my gaze from the goal and let myself become distracted by a situation that didn't meet my expectations. If thinking about this situation wasn't bad enough, I even gave voice to it, and a day that should have been bright with joy suddenly faded to a dirty grey. Nothing had changed, but everything changed when I changed. In my heart, I withered and shriveled into a Gollum-like creature, concerned only with what might please me. It wasn't pretty, and fortunately I had someone at my side who brought my attention to it. Strange as it seems, the voice of God's Holy Spirit often sounds a lot like Linda.
Happiness is, as the etymology of the word implies, tied to what happens. If something I perceive as good comes along, I am happy; if not, I am not. Jesus never promised us something as ephemeral as happiness. He promised us joy. The difference is that joy isn't dependent on what happens; it is rooted in the spirit. When my spirit is in touch with God's Spirit, joy is the result, no matter what happens around me. When I allow my gaze to drop from the heavenly places where it belongs, joy vanishes like early morning mist before the sun. I'm back now, and grateful for these lessons, for my wife who reminds me where my joy is found, and for the blessing of being on the giving side of life. That my expectations weren't completely met is irrelevant; I am not the center of anyone's universe. Christ is the center, and he always exceeds my expectations.
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