Is it really gratitude if one doesn't feel it? Perhaps even more at those times. In recent weeks I've been thinking about purpose and direction. For most of my working years, I had a pretty good idea of what my purpose was and what I needed to do to get there. Sure, there were those times along the way when I lost sight of it, or when I had to make minor and major adjustments in order to keep moving along, but as a pastor, I knew my job and did my best to fulfill the responsibilities it entailed. When Linda retired, I advised her to not make any major long-term commitments for a year, so as to give her time to sort out how life looked for her. I've tried to do the same thing myself, and realize now how frustrating that can be. When one's purpose stared you in the face every morning, you get up and do what you have to do, whether you feel like it or not. When that purpose is unclear, everything tends to get lost in a fog with no landmarks.
When I retired, I told pastor Joe that for the first year I wouldn't do anything that even looked pastoral unless he requested it, and I think I've done a pretty good job with it. People have asked how I like retirement, and I can truthfully say I have no desire to go back. I look at what pastor Joe is doing; the energy and enthusiasm he brings to the job, and know I made the right decision at the right time. Nevertheless...
I'm still sorting things out, and finding myself torn between wanting that purpose that gets me up in the morning and wanting to be free of any responsibilities that require long term commitment, but getting more and more ready to dive into the future. I just don't know where the diving board or even where the pool is. All of which leaves me somewhat nonplussed. I feel bad for those who have never known the exhilaration of knowing their purpose. It's not a pleasant place to be, and no number of hobbies or distractions are adequate substitutes. But I'm learning that it is very possible to substitute doing something for being the person I need to be. Sometimes even one's purpose in life can take the place in one's heart that belongs to Christ alone. Bill Hybels said it best years ago: "Be careful that the work of Christ doesn't destroy the work of Christ in you." I'm finding that there is a world of difference reading the Bible for preaching and reading it to hear from God. To be honest, I'm struggling with the latter these days.
But I'm not discouraged. Even on days like today when I don't feel particularly grateful, I can give thanks. After all, gratitude is a choice, not a feeling. And I choose to see life through this lens, and to give thanks no matter how I feel. I am blessed in so many ways, one of which is the ability I have been given to see through the fog of feelings so as to plant my feet firmly on God's promises and know that no matter what the future brings, I know who holds the future, and he also holds my hand.
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