Envy

April 20, 2022

“Can’t you just FEEL the presence of the Lord?” I cannot recall how many times I’ve heard statements like this; I smile politely, nod my head, and stand awkwardly for a few moments before slowly walking away. 

I’ve often wondered what is wrong with me that I don’t feel things the way other people do. I am occasionally moved to tears in worship, but it doesn’t happen often. When others holler and scream at sports events, I sit there enjoying the game, but wondering how people can get so worked up over it. I’ve wondered what it would be like to feel…really feel the ecstasy some people seem to feel at various times. I don’t have many highs, and my lows are pretty mild. If my emotional state were printed out on a heart monitor, you’d say I was dead…flatlined.

For years, I’ve seen this as some sort of curse. “Why can’t I feel the joy so-and-so feels?” It would be wonderful to be carried away by the wind of the Spirit, or so I think. But maybe there’s another side to things. My family is walking through a difficult time right now with my son’s cancer diagnosis. Linda, having a mother’s heart, has felt crushed. As Simeon said of Mary, “a sword shall pierce your soul,” so Linda feels the stab of shock and sorrow. She lives out of her emotions, so it’s been hard on her, as I know it has been for our daughter-in-law Debbra, and their girls. I don’t mean to sound sexist, but the women in our family process things differently than we men. 

I think God wired me just right for times like this. I’ve had my moments, but for the most part, I’ve been pretty steady through it all. I was sitting in pastor Daniel’s house in Cuba when I first got the news; supper was about to be served, and though I wasn’t hungry, I ate, then went outside by myself. I called people who needed to know, but mostly just brooded through the night, praying and crying out to God. Arrangements were made, and I flew home, stopping at the hospital long enough to see Nate and pray with him. Since then, I’ve just carried on, doing what needs to be done; “Steady Eddy.”

Remember I used to wish I could feel more deeply? God convicted me of this today. Envy is a sin, even when it targets another’s spiritual gifts or experience (Romans 1:29). Envy essentially says, “God, you don’t know what you are doing! You gave me the wrong personality, the wrong gifts; I want something different.” I had to repent of this sin, and today, I am grateful God wired me the way he did. It enables me to walk through this trial relatively unruffled. God knew what he was doing when he made me the way I am. And he knew what he was doing when he made you the way you are. He is good…all the time!