Insomnia

 January 10, 2022

It’s not often that I cannot sleep, but last night I awoke about 3:00 am, my mind swirling with indecision about a matter of some importance. This matter has been on my mind for some days now, and somehow came to a head in the middle of the night. 

Linda often wakes at such times, and after lying still and praying for an hour or so, will often rise and go out to the couch, turn on “Murder, She Wrote” reruns and promptly go to sleep. She turns the volume down and says the sound lulls her back to sleep. Not me; though the plots are cheesy, they would keep me awake till the end of the show.

I am usually unable to pray in the middle of the night; my thoughts are so garbled and jumbled that coherent prayer cannot escape my lips. Fortunately, when I wake, I can usually get back to sleep without incident. Last night however, was different. My mind kept trolling various Scriptures, seeking guidance that so far hasn’t come. It’s not a matter of right or wrong, so it comes down to simply finding peace in the midst of the confusion.

I’m not the only one who has traveled these roads. Some decisions are easy; there is a right decision and a wrong decision—it’s a matter of moral or ethical weight. Other decisions are a bit more difficult; it’s not a choice between right and wrong, but between right and almost right. As someone once said, there is a big difference between lightning and lightning bug. 

Although my spirit is still not at rest over the issue, I am confident that day will come, at just the right time. James 1: 5-6 says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting…” God’s promise is clear: if we ask for wisdom, he will give it. I don’t have to wonder or worry. And I don’t need to second-guess whatever decision I make. He promises wisdom, and I accept that promise even though at the moment I am unsettled in my spirit. Our God wastes nothing; he doesn’t give strength before the battle, and withholds wisdom until the decision is necessary. Until then, I’ll keep praying, searching the Scriptures, and trusting in the goodness of God. And maybe…just maybe tonight, I’ll be able to sleep.