Graduation Advice

June 8, 2020

On our 50th anniversary as we were driving to our chosen destination, Linda asked me, “In light of fifty years of marriage, what is the one bit of advise you would give a couple wanting to be married if you were still pastoring?” I did t even have to think about it. It was this: “Don’t let everything that comes into your head come out your mouth.” Too many relationships are torpedoed needlessly because one or both parties just had to say whatever was on their mind at the moment. I try always to remember that having to say something is not the same as having something to say, and that either one can always be improved upon by silence.

That being said, her question reminded me of something I wrote for my niece’s son when he graduated from high school five years ago. I offer it tonight because it’s been a long day of hard work, and I don’t feel like thinking deeply tonight. Actually, I don’t even feel like thinking shallowly tonight. Or maybe thinking at all. Anyways...

To my great-nephew Zach:

Your mom called me requesting that I give you a word of wisdom from my experience. I want you to know I have far more experience than wisdom. I am a slow learner. But I’ll do the best I can. First, don’t eat yellow snow. That is something even a nincompoop should know. The other wisdom I have isn’t so widely understood (Common sense isn’t that common, after all), but is more important for good living. In all that follows, I will assume that first and foremost, you give yourself unreservedly to Jesus Christ, even in those areas where you haven’t the foggiest idea of what he is up to. That means committing yourself to disciplines of prayer, Bible study, worship, fasting, giving, serving, loving. Always. No turning back. With that foundation settled, let’s get on to the business at hand: 

1. The first is something my mother taught me when I was a kid. It is this: Keep your original commitment, even if something better comes along. If you do that, it will save you a lot of side-stepping, back-tracking, and fancy footwork that you would have to do to try to make excuses for your failure to do what you first said you would do. There is a Scripture for it: Psalm 15:4b “Blessed is the man who swears to his own hurt, and does not change.” 

2. Pay as you go. If you don’t have the money for it right now, you don’t need it. God promises to provide for our needs. So don’t take out a loan or borrow. You don’t need a new car, stereo, or anything else. Rich people have one thing in common: they don’t buy what they don’t need, and they don’t buy what they can’t pay cash for. There is a Scripture for this too: Proverbs 22:7 “The rich rules over the poor, And the borrower becomes the lender's slave.” 

3. Extend grace to those who don’t deserve it (See #10 below). Don’t give up on people. The worst ones will sometimes surprise you. Hey, God doesn’t give up on you or me. So what gives us the right to give up on anyone? You’ll need grace plenty of times in your life. Anyone who thinks they can get through life without screwing up has already screwed up. If you don’t make any mistakes, you aren’t trying hard enough. I’m not saying to be stupid, but don’t be afraid to stretch, to try, to fail. If you live that way, you’ll take a few nosedives. It’s nice to have someone who doesn’t rub yours it in when you do. Which is why it’s good to be one of those people to someone else. 

4. Beware of “experts.” There are a lot of people out there who want you to think they know more than they do. Think for yourself. This is especially important in religion and politics, two areas that have more than their share of charlatans. 

5. Don’t equate money with success. I know a few rich people whose lives are a mess. Pity their children. 

6. Always tell the truth. Always. ALWAYS. ALWAYS!!!!! But you don’t always have to tell everything you know. A girlfriend who asks, “Does this dress make me look fat?” doesn’t really want to know. You are a fool if you tell her it does, unless you are eager to be rid of her, or think you look good with a bloody nose. 

7. Be generous. It will always come back. And if it doesn’t, sometimes lending money to people who then avoid you because they don’t want to repay you can be the best money you ever spend. 

8. Tip your waitress well. The worst witness I can think of is a Christian who leaves a tract for a tip. Jerks like that deserve to have hot coffee poured in their laps. I would even volunteer. 

9. Listen well. You learn more when you hear than when you talk. Pay particular attention to the little guy. The one you slap on your way up is the same one you’ll meet on your way down. Count on it; he’ll remember. And sooner or later, you will go both ways. 

10. Don’t be a slob. Dress as well as you can. Torn jeans and a dirty shirt doesn’t impress anyone. Seeing your underwear makes me want to puke. In them. Put things away. Brush your teeth. Except for movie and rock stars, slobs are just ordinary slobs. Movie and rock stars can be extraordinary slobs. I’ve never met a slob I wanted to follow, unless it was so I could push him into a shower. Or a garbage truck.

11. Don’t pick your nose in public. Or your butt. 

12. Always be kind to children. They are going to be in charge when you are old. You won’t want them remembering you as a creep. 

13. Learn the difference between principled compromise and compromising your principles. 

14. Forgive those who don’t deserve it. That’s what forgiveness is all about. Don’t ever say, “This is too big to forgive.” If it isn’t big, just get over it. Forgiveness is for the big stuff. And forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. It means to let it go. People who hold onto their hurt only hurt themselves. Forgiveness is God’s way of helping you heal. Refusing to forgive is like drinking poison to kill your enemy. It’s just plain stupid. 

15. Emotion Follows Motion. Remember that. Too many people believe that they can only do what they feel like doing. If you act cheerful when you don’t feel it, you will soon begin to feel it. If you act loving when you don’t feel it, you will soon begin to feel it. People who only do what they feel are slaves to everyone else. Don’t let someone else’s actions, words, attitudes determine who you are. The only one who has the right to tell you who you are is God. Don’t believe the devil’s lies. He has lots of them, so get to know God’s truth. 

16. Avoid angry people. Even if they are talented, wealthy, popular, influential. Stay as far as you can from them. They are a lightning rod for trouble, only it will hit you. Even if they are likeable, keep them at arm’s length. I tell you this from painful personal experience. 

17. Tell your mom you love her. She likes to hear it, and you need to say it. If nothing else, it reminds you that you are not the center of the universe. Corollary: remember her birthday. Better yet, remember her on yours. She did the work; why should you get all the cake?

Well, I could go on and on, but that would violate my last point: KISS. You know all about that. Abraham Lincoln said it best: “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.” With that, I close. I can’t imagine that you would want any more. Most of us have more advice than we want, which is why I often tell people, “Take my advice; I’m not using it.” I must say however, that what I’ve said above is daily stuff that has made a difference in my life.

There is one more thing, and may the most useful: You will run into people who badmouth you, betray, you belittle you (or others). The best way I have learned to deal with people like that is to remember a little poem I learned a long time ago: “Come what will/Come what may/Dogs will bark/And asses bray.” That about sums it up.

Uncle Jim