Confession

November 24, 2019

Six years ago, Ann Voskamp, the author whose writings prompted me to begin the discipline of giving daily thanks, spoke of what she called “hard eucharistos,” blessings that are disguised as problems. Sometimes those problems come disguised as convictions. People often think of God as an indulgent grandfather who winks at our sins when in fact, he is ruthless in pursuing us, exposing our sins so they can be confessed and forsaken. He doesn’t give up till he has us cornered, with no means of escape. We like to think we are searching for God, when the reality is, we are running from his embrace because we fear the exposure necessary for our healing.

I’ve noticed lately that in my heart I’ve been critical of people. They act differently than I act, they worship differently than I worship; they are too excitable or too sedate, they’re too refined or too casual, their theology is deficient, their sin is evident...the list goes on and on. The problem isn’t them; it’s me. Pride has slithered into my heart as surely as the Serpent’s lies coiled around Eve in the Garden. A critical spirit is a sure sign of a proud heart, and although it may not always be seen by others, like high blood pressure, it is a silent and sure killer.

If there is any good news in all this, it’s that all is not lost. The Holy Spirit has been nudging me—no, he’s been chasing me down, beating me about the head with conviction: “You’re the Pharisee praying to himself, complimenting himself that he is better than the publican beating his chest and crying for mercy.” 

I don’t know how to change my attitude, but I also know God isn’t about to let up till I do so. Step One is acknowledging the problem. Step Two is to pray. Not to say my prayers, but to pray—really pray for wisdom to know what to do, but even more for the Holy Spirit to soften this hard old heart and to give me his heart for his people. Conviction of sin is a blessing; a hard blessing, but a blessing nonetheless, and tonight I am thankful for this first step to becoming a man after God’s own heart.