To the best of my knowledge, it was only the second time we've met, but nonetheless, Tim had a word for me. In Sunday School yesterday, the class was talking about having a close relationship with God, and I chimed in with how sometimes I have difficulty with the language of relationship when speaking of God. I understand what it means to be in relationship with my wife; when we sit and talk at the table after breakfast or dinner, I can see her, touch her hand, listen to the inflection of her voice. Relationship to me is almost a tangible thing. But it isn't primarily emotional. I don't live in that world. Once, lying in bed, Linda asked me what I was feeling. I told her I didn't know; it was as if there were dozens of feelings flying in circles over my head, and they didn't slow down enough for me to catch one so I could tell what it was. Poor Linda - she, a woman who lives by her feelings, married into a world almost devoid of them.
So when I think of having a relationship with God, I am entering what to me is unfamiliar territory that I don't know how to navigate. Jesus said, "Follow me;" I know how to do that. But relationship? That's another story! Enter Tim. At the end of class, he followed me out of the room and asked if I had a minute. He looked me in the eye and said, "When you talked, I sensed a weariness in your soul." He went on to tell of his own walk with Christ, how he had fallen away and come back to a relationship that had transformed his life. Later after worship he approached me again, this time to apologize for presuming to speak as he did to me. I hadn't taken offense; actually, I was grateful. Although I hadn't felt this weariness of which he spoke, he had unwittingly touched a nerve.
I thought about it all day yesterdayand today. I've often spoken of my difficulty in prayer, and this morning I started reading a book - "Confessions of a Prayer Slacker." In it, the author spoke of the excuses we give for our prayerlessness, calling me out by reminding me that prayer isn't primarily about asking and receiving, but about growing in love for God. How can I maintain my love for Christ if I am not spending time with him? How can I even say I love him if I'm not spending time with him? One of the important ways Linda and I build our love is through those conversations at mealtimes. If we didn't spend time together, it would be about impossible to build our love. So what's my excuse for not praying? I ran out of them. I can't hide behind my emotionless personality. I'm not sure what the next step is. I know it's not merely rattling through a prayer list. The Sunday before last, pastor Joe spoke about having a cry of desperation. I'm there, and am done with excuses. It will take discipline and determination, but the status quo is out of the question. Thank you, Lord, for sending Tim to me. And thank you, Tim, for listening to God and not letting your doubts keep you from speaking a timely word to a pastor who needed to hear it.
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