Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Finishing What I Started

February 3, 2015

My day today was spent among friends, talking about ministry. This wasn't an impromptu gathering; it's been planned for months, and today it happened. In preparation for it, I wrote a memorandum outlining the mess Park church endured over ten years ago, and was surprised at the emotion it dredged up within me. Strange how things we think we've put to rest can rise up like Dracula from the graves in which we've buried them to put the bite on us again. It was not a fun process. These friends are new friends; they had not heard the story before I placed it before them this afternoon, and as we talked about what unfolded and why, how I handled it and how I might have handled it, they were, to the very last one, dumbfounded. Looking back, I was too, when it was happening; it was almost surreal, like "I can't believe this is going the way it is."
I've had the benefit of ten years worth of reflection, so at times it almost feels like it happened to someone else. Except I know it didn't.

One person noted that I said I don't give up easily because God never gave up on me, and asked if I ever gave up on God. I can't say as I did. Had I done so, I wouldn't be here today writing about it. God's faithfulness, and the faithfulness of so many people at Park church is what carried me through my darkest hours. There were however, two questions I still haven't answered after all these years.

The first is, what does God plan to do with all this? Since I believe God wastes nothing, he didn't allow this just for my own benefit. I'm no Job, suffering because God had some cosmic bet with the devil. Either God was preparing me for a greater test later on (O Lord, I hope not!), or wants me to use it to help others avoid the snares and pitfalls I fell into simply because I didn't see the signs early enough. I've come to a place where I don't believe in volunteers. Jesus didn't ask for a show of hands; he called his disciples, trained them, then sent them out. Volunteers often come with all sorts of baggage; after all, we usually only volunteer for something we think we can accomplish, which negates God doing through us those things we could not possibly do ourselves. So I haven't volunteered to share my story. I do suspect however, that God has something in mind, perhaps as a corollary to my sharing with these friends.

Secondly, and more immediately, there are two people I need to confront. God convicted me of this some months ago through pastor Joe's preaching, and I told God I would go to these two people. But I haven't...yet. I've been busy with other things, and as we all know, when the task is unpleasant or daunting, the smallest excuse is better than none. But sooner or later, those excuses don't cut it anymore. Tonight I am grateful that God is patient. He could have laid the smack on me weeks ago for not fulfilling the promise I made to him months ago, but he didn't. He knows his power and grace is sufficient for even this, but he also knows my reticence, and instead of lambasting me, is patient and kind, knowing my distaste for the whole thing. And yet, God will not be put off forever. If I want further revelation from him, a closer walk with him, it is imperative that I keep my promise to him. So, if you're reading this, I give you permission; no, I encourage you to hold me accountable. God used my new friends to do that today, and may want to use you as well. Thank you, in advance. And thank God for his infinite patience, that as Jeremiah said, "It is of the LORD's mercies that we are not consumed."

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